Dwarf Sicilian Elephant Dishes Up Italian Sauce

Zoey the zoo mouse and her sidekick Zeek talk with Antony the dwarf Sicilian elephant about the past, his hobbies, and everything else to do with the Elephas falconeri.

Zoey:  Oooh, I’m so excited! I hear the latest extinct species at the zoo is absolutely unforgettable!

Zeek: (Puffs out his chest) I’ve been looking forward to this all day. I love meeting elephants—when they squeal and run away, it makes me feel big and powerful!

Zoey: Zeek! That’s no way to talk about our interviewee!

Antony: (Trumpeting aggressively, despite his tiny size) Hey, you, over there! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you! You wanna piece o’ me?

Zeek: (Whispers) Eeeek! I thought elephants were supposed to be afraid of mice!

Antony: I heard that! You think I can’t hear you, is that it, tough guy? Well, guess what? I’m closer to the ground than other elephants, and not only can I hear plenty good, I can see plenty good, too! Those big fellas might just be afraid of you because they can’t see how puny you are!

Zeek: Hey, I think I’ve just been insulted!

Zoey: Shhh, pipe down! I don’t think this guy’s going to run from a fight!

Antony: You’ve been insulted? Don’t make me bust a gut. I’m the one who’s been insulted! I’m the injured party here! Hey, where’re the cops when you need ‘em?

Zoey: I’m sorry, but—you’re a dwarf Sicilian elephant, is that right? What’s the difference between—

Antony: What’s the difference? What’s the difference? (Trumpets angrily) Are you kidding me? What are you, some kind of comedian, is that it? I’m short! They’re tall! Other than that, there’s no difference, got it? And why distinguish species based on so-called differences, anyway? I say let’s look to our similarities first and stop the name-calling.  And those overstuffed pachyderms should go first.

Zoey: I’m sorry—it’s just that your name is outside your exhibit, and—

Antony: My name? Did you see “Tony the Little Elephant” anywhere out there? What you got outside this exhibit is an obscene, objectifying label! Do you have any idea what it’s like being called a dwarf for millions of years, as if I’m the one who’s different from all those supersized elephant freaks? Next thing you know, you’ll be calling me a dwarf Sardinian elephant, like we’re all the same thing! Are you prejudiced, is that it?

Zeek: No, of course not—

Antony: And by the way, forget what the history books say, the politically correct term is little elephant—got that? Even “elephant of short stature” would be better than dwarf elephant—but does anyone ask for my opinion? Noooo.

Zoey: Uh…sure, whatever you say!

Antony: And another thing. I’ve read all the so-called studies about us little folk. Oh, yeah, I know the drill. They think we’ve got reduced social, marital, and employment opportunities, not to mention self-esteem issues, right? Yeah, that’s what they all say. Well, fuggedaboudit. It’s a load o’ hogwash—uh, elephant wash.  Do I look like I have self-esteem issues? Huh? Do I? That is correct: I do not.

Zoey: Um, so tell me a little about your life.

Antony: Living the island life is something every elephant dreams of. You kidding me? Who wouldn’t want to wake up in this glorious paradise every morning and feel the gentle caress of the Mediterranean breezes as you fall asleep standing up at the end of the day? And let me tell you—we’ve got the best Italian restaurants this side of Rome! But those big-boned, overfed, sissified, southern elephants would never make it here. They’re not tough enough to hang with my posse! Plus, have you seen how they eat? They’re pigs—no offense. They got no style, no class! They’d be eating us out of house and home in a week. And can you imagine the kind of havoc those giant feet would make of our beautiful Mediterranean habitat? No thank you!

Zoey: (Brightly) Okay! So can you tell me about—

Antony: Hey—I ain’t finished with what I got to say! Some people—I ain’t gonna say who, but those dirty rats know who they are—some people say we’re descended from those big elephant freaks. But seriously, fuggedaboudit! If anything, they’re descended from us! Yeah, yeah—science, schmience.  You believe everything you read? I read a ton a books, and let me tell you—they got it wrong!

Zoey: Uh… okay. So tell me, do you have any hobbies?

Antony: What, you think I sit around all day knitting or something, maybe crocheting plant hangers or baby bonnets? Heh, heh. Well, you got it wrong; that’s my mama. I’m more of a—more of a social observer, is what I am. Yeah, that’s right, I got a keen eye. F’rinstance, most people don’t think of elephants as being delicate, but I can tell you from my observa… observatoriu…looking around that they’re just uninformed. Pure elephant snobbery is what that is! I’ve got a daughter who’s a ballet dancer who can prove it to you. What, you don’t believe me? You calling me a liar, is that it? I’ve got pictures—hey, who took my wallet? Was that you? Oh, wait, that’s right—no pants.

Zoey: Thanks so much for your time, Antony. I think we’ve got everything we need. We’d better get going.

Antony: What, you’re leaving already? I’m not good enough for you, is that it? You have insulted my honor, and my family’s honor. I may be extinct, but I’ll never forget this! Never! You got that?

Zeek: (Whispers) And I bet he never will ….