Island girl goes coastal

Shy Penelope the Elephant Bird explains her move to the coast of Madagascar to Zoey the zoo mouse, our faithful reporter, while Zeek the photographer gets an earful—and an eyeful—of this Aepyornis maximus.

(Zoey and Zeek knock on the door of the grass hut where Penelope lives. Inside, they hear the wild giggling of a gaggle of Elephant Birds.)

Zoey: (Whispers) Now Zeek, we may have to draw her out of her shell; I hear she’s a bit shy. Try to keep your comments to a minimum—we might have a hard time getting her to speak at all!

Zeek: Keep it down to a dull roar and give her room to talk—got it! I just hope I get a good photo out of this one—that Gigantopithecus fellow was a bust.

(The door opens and Penelope peeks around the door, blinking shyly.)

Zoey: Hello, Penelope! My, don’t you look lovely, all decked out in your summer plumage. We’ve heard you’re migrating! Can you tell us about your big move?

Penelope: (Giggling) Yes, it’s true—I’m moving to the coast.

(A very long silence ensues.)

Zoey: Uh, is there anything else you’d like to tell us about it—anything you’re especially looking forward to, for example?

Penelope: I’m so looking forward to falling asleep to the sound of the ocean, laying eggs in a secluded nest of beach grass, taking long walks on the beach at sunset—the works.

Zoey: What made you want a change of address? Was it—

Penelope: Oh, I really don’t have much to say about that. No, no, wait—let me think. Which magazine are you writing for—Island Girl Monthly? No? Are you sure? Because that’s my favorite magazine.

Zeek: Well—

Penelope: Oooh, I knew it! Girls, did you hear? I’m going to be in Island Girl Monthly! (A gaggle of girlfriends giggle in the background.) Well, in that case…. (She takes a deep breath and steps outside.) I’m sure your readers will be fascinated to know that, even though I’ve spent all my life on an island, my biome has included both inland island grasslands as well as beachfront property. But, at this time of year, everyone migrates; I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we’re no different from the average New Yorker. Isn’t that true, girls? (A chorus of giggles in the background) That’s right, honey. It’s sooo true.

Zoey: Well, we were wondering—

Penelope: So anyway, my girlfriends and I were just talking one evening about the big things in life—you know, summer picnics versus autumn in front of the fireplace, and how great it would be back at the ocean, but then that, of course, led to a discussion of summer colors versus autumn colors, which took us directly to the spring fashion shows in Milan. Did you see all those bubble skirts on those skinny little runway models? They are sooo adorable, don’t you think? Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Zoey: We’re really more interested in why an elephant—

Penelope: You’re right—it’s sooo true! Most people focus on the “elephant” aspect of my name and ignore the petite bird part entirely—but seriously, have you ever seen an elephant with curves like these? (She bats her eyelashes.) Take a good, long look, honey—that’s right: I am all bird and then some! And have you ever seen such adorable wings? Aren’t they just the tiniest things ever? Flight is sooo overrated, don’t you think? Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Zeek: Well, no offense, but you are rather full-figured …. (Zoey elbows him.) What? What?

Zoey: (Glares) So sorry, Penelope. My colleague—

Penelope: Is sooo adorable! No offense taken, honey. I saw that look in his eye; I know he was just flirting with me. Weren’t you? Of course you were! Who wouldn’t? I think that is just sooo cute! What people don’t seem to understand is that I’ve got to keep up my figure in order to produce my award-winning eggs.  I only weigh 1,000 pounds—that’s not too much, is it? Of course it’s not. My sister is a little lighter, but she’s catching up—someday she’ll be just as beautiful as I am. Well, no, probably not! But beautiful is as beautiful does, honey—and in this case, big is as beautiful as it gets. My family has won the Biggest Egg on the Planet contest every single year, and let me tell you—those eggs don’t just make themselves.

Zoey: For an extinct species, you seem very hip, very with-it!

Zeek: (Whispers) For a shy girl, you don’t seem very shy!

Zoey: Hush, Zeek! I’m sorry, Penelope—you were saying…?

Penelope: Oh, we haven’t been extinct all that long, honey—just a few hundred years, 350 or something like that—but seriously, who’s counting? That’s hardly any time at all, and frankly, I still feel like a spring chicken.  And this is for Island Girl Monthly, right? Oooh, I’m just so overwhelmed, I can hardly speak!  Anyway, extinct or not, I’m sure your readers will want to know that the elephant bird fashion sense remains intact, don’t you agree? Of course you do. Who wouldn’t? My personal design influences are a cross of indigenous and aboriginal lines that lean heavily toward the African and Indonesian cultures that settled these islands, highlighted by the colors of the French, Dutch, and Portuguese people who visited these parts back in the 15th and 16th centuries. Don't you love it? Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Zeek: Can I take your—

Penelope: My photo? You want to photograph me? (Squeals) Did you hear that, girls? Oh, no, I couldn’t…. Well, maybe just one. Or two. Can I get Christmas cards made from the cover shot? Imagine—my photo, appearing in Island Girl Monthly! How about over here, by my grass hut? Is the light better here, or should we try it over there, beneath that tree?

Zeek: Ah, Zoey…help!

Zoey: I think you’ve found your cover model, Zeek!

Penelope: Oh, wait—let me put a flower behind my ear. Or is that too typical island girly-girly? Or is the island girl look in this year? Let me just run inside and check. Where’s that latest issue of Island Girl Monthly? Oh, there it is…hallelujah, flowers are in! Red or purple? Red or purple? Here, you choose. No, that’s the wrong one, let’s go with red. Or purple. Maybe both? Oh, I just can’t decide. I’m really just far too shy for this sort of thing! Do you want me leaning against the tree, like this—or no, maybe down on the sand like this—oooh, let me fluff my feathers out a bit. I’ve got great legs, maybe we’d better get them in the shot. Here, let me help you move your camera, I think over here is better. No, no, this is my good side. No, I’m wrong, it’s this one. Or is it the other one? You’d better just take both sides. They’re both pretty spectacular, don’t you think so? Of course you do. Who doesn’t? Anyway, as I was saying….