Shy guy has big feet

Intrepid reporter Zoey the zoo mouse, along with ace photographer Zeek, speak with the elusive Gigantopithecus blacki about his reputation in the community at large.

Zoey: Where is he? I don’t see him.

Zeek: (Peers over Zoey’s shoulder) What do you mean, you don’t see him? He’s gotta be here somewhere. Didn’t you read the sign? He’s gigantic!

Zoey: Oh, I think I saw something moving in that stand of bamboo over there…. (Hears munching sounds) Let’s get a closer look. I’ve heard he’s very shy.

(There’s a rumble in the underbrush, and an immense Gigantopithecus blacki lumbers out of the bamboo forest to the edge of the exhibit’s clearing and begins eating bamboo shoots.)

Zeek: Holy Tarzan—he’s huge! Just look at him mow through that bamboo.  He’s raking it in!

(The Gigantopithecus looks up, startled, and starts to back away, bamboo hanging from his mouth.)

Zeek: Hey, he sees us! (Waves) Hey there, Mr. Giganto…uh. What did you say his name was?

Zoey: Shhh! You’ll scare him off!

Zeek: What are you talking about? I’m a mouse! He’d have to be a giant sissy to be afraid of me!

Barry: (Glowers and lumbers forward) I am not a sissy. And my name is Barry—although people have called me many names, none of which I find very flattering.

Zeek: Oops—I’m really sorry!

Zoey:  Zeek, that actually sounded sincere.

Zeek: (Whispers) It was sincere—have you seen the size of this guy?

Zoey: So, Barry, we’ve been sent here to find out a little more about you. You have a reputation for being a bit reclusive, and, to be honest, some people don’t believe you even exist. They come to the exhibit and there’s no sign of you anywhere; they say you’re a myth. Can you comment on this?

Barry: To be honest, I just don’t like being gawked at. Who does? But they’re partly right—I officially went extinct about 100,000 years ago. I prefer to think of it as having gone underground, but whatever.

Zoey: The problem is the zoo depends in part on donations from visitors, but visitors won’t donate if they can’t see the animals in the exhibits.

Zeek: You’ve got to get out more, y’know—mingle, rub shoulders with the guests, see and be seen, make a little noise. You know what I’m saying, big guy? Me, I’m the life of the party…. (He starts to hum a rhumba and swivel his hips.)

Zoey: Pipe down, Zeek.  As I was saying, Barry, it’s an issue of visibility.

Barry: (Sighs) I know, I know. It’s a problem. My publicist says I’m not fulfilling my role in the zoo, but, to be frank, I’m just not much for company. And the roaring and all that—I’m sorry, but it’s just not me.

Zoey: Some people seem to be afraid of you. Zeek, can you get a shot of Barry in the bamboo?

Zeek: No problem. Hey, big guy, flash those giant pearly-whites, will you?

Barry: (Roars) NO PHOTOS!

Zeek: Okaaay! No photo, no problem.

Barry: (Picks his enormous teeth with a bamboo stalk) You know what? People believe what they want to believe. When you’re as big as I am, people come up with all sorts of stereotypes about you without even bothering to get to know you. That’s their problem, I say. So I’m shy—so what? Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m doing anything secret or mysterious. I may be larger than the other primates, but that doesn’t mean I’m more ferocious. Size doesn’t always matter, you know. And I’ve never eaten anyone in my life. I’m a vegetarian, for cryin’ out loud! I tend to think of myself as more of a scholar, a thinker. But is anyone willing to spend a day in my shoes, to try to see things from my perspective? Noooo.

Zoey: Speaking of shoes….

Barry: Don’t even think of saying it! Feet—that’s all anyone ever talks about! (Exasperated) Well, yes, sure, I’ve got big feet. But I don’t think they’re proportionally any bigger than any other primate’s feet.

Zoey: Um, that’s not really what I was going to ask you. There are rumors that you’re…you know….

Barry: (Narrows eyes) What are you getting at?

Zoey: Well, some people think you’re…I’m not sure how to say this tactfully.

Barry: (Roars) Just say it, for heaven’s sake! You people! It’s no wonder I avoid the public!

Zoey: Eeeek! Bigfoot! They say you’re Sasquatch!

Barry: (Roars again) Okay, that’s it! I don’t eat living creatures, and I don’t squash them! I’m a pacifist—that means I’m non-violent! Why doesn’t anyone get that about me?! If you want to talk to me again, go through my agent—I’m through here! (He roars as he rampages back into the bamboo thicket.)

Zeek: Wow! No wonder he’s got such a bad reputation!

Zoey: Poor guy—I think he’s just misunderstood.

Zeek: I thought he was abominable!

Zoey: (Shakes her head) Oh, Zeek.