Goblin Shark Interview Gets Ugly

This week, roving rodent reporter Zoey the zoo mouse and photographer Zeek have gotten into a shark cage and lowered themselves into the exhibit of Gordon the goblin shark. They have undertaken this dangerous mission to find out more about Mitsukurina owstoni, an unusual dweller of the depths.

Zeek: Do you think this shark cage will be enough to protect us, Zoey?

Zoey: I think so … I mean that’s what they’re built for, right? Now, where is this guy? Do you see him?

Zeek: No, not yet …

Zoey and Zeek: EEEEEEEK!

Gordon: AAAAAHHH! What, what is it? Is there a great white behind me?

Zoey: Uh, no, sorry. You, uh, startled us. You must be Gordon.

Gordon: Yes. Welcome to the depths. I didn’t mean to scare you. Frankly, you gave me a fright, too.

Zoey: That’s okay. It’s just that we’ve never seen a goblin shark before. We didn’t realize you were so … unique looking.

Gordon: I’m unique looking? Have you looked in the mirror lately? You two are the oddest-looking creatures I’ve ever seen! I shudder to think what you look like without those masks!

Zoey: Yes, well, how about I ask you a few questions, Gordon?

Gordon: Go right ahead.

Zoey: Where did you get the name “goblin shark”?

Gordon: I don’t know … I believe it has something to do with my appearance. I don’t know what goblin means, but I imagine it must be something like “handsome” or “bewitching.”

Zeek: (Mutters) The “witch” part is pretty close.

Zoey: (Whispers) Zeek, keep your voice down!

Zoey: (Louder) Uh, Gordon, your coloring is quite interesting … unlike any shark I’ve ever seen.

Gordon: I know. None of that drab gray for us—we get to be the shade of a pink rose!

Zeek: And he obviously sees himself through rose-colored glasses.

Gordon: Your little friend seems to have a lot to say, but I can’t hear him …

Zoey: Oh, he’s a bit crazy … talks to himself. Just ignore him. You appear to have one of the deeper tanks at the zoo. Why is that?

Gordon: I spend a lot of time at the bottom, rummaging in the muck and benthic rock for my meals.

Zoey: What do your meals consist of?

Gordon: Shellfish, fish, chum, squid … and to keep me amused, the zookeepers sometimes throw in a bit of Arctic cod, tuna, ice with clams inside ... I wish they’d do that more often.

Zoey: And is that what you’d eat in the wild?

Gordon: For the most part. When I lived in the wild, I used to eat lots of fresh crab. These jaws protrude and are great for ripping apart exoskeleton! See?! (Protrudes jaws)

Zoey: Yikes! Those teeth really stick out, don’t they?

Zeek: I wouldn’t think it was possible, but he actually made himself look uglier than before!

Gordon: Okay, that I heard. Your little friend better watch himself. I don’t know where he gets off saying I’m ugly, what with that fuzzy body, creepy little tail, and those buck teeth, but I’d say he’d make a nice snack.

Zoey: See what you’ve gone and done now, Zeek? I’m soooooo sorry, Gordon. He won’t say another word, will you Zeek?

(Zeek shakes his head)

Zoey: Why don’t you take a picture while you’re standing there not saying anything?

(Zeek nods and snaps photo)

Gordon: Oh, I think I’ve had enough of you and your questions, too.

Zoey: Just a couple more?

Gordon: Well, all right …

Zoey: How come we don’t hear much about you? I mean, a lot of zoo guests have never even heard of goblin sharks.

Gordon: We tend to keep to ourselves. And because we live so deep in the water, humans don’t encounter us very often, so I guess we kind of stay below the radar.

Zeek: With the way he looks, I’d say that’s just as well.

Gordon: Okay, that’s it! (Swims toward shark cage)

Zeek: Get us out of here, Zoey!

Zoey: I’m on it! (Pushes “rapid retract” button on shark cage) I hope you’ve learned your lesson, now, Zeek!

Zeek: I have, Zoey, I have!