The Bear That Wasn't There

Roving rodent report Zoey and her faithful photographer Zeek venture into a fragrant stand of eucalyptus trees in search of the ever-cuddly koala. But will the photogenic Phascolarctos cinereus be able to find any time to talk with them with its busy schedule of eating and sleeping?

Zeek: So, what animal is on the schedule today?

Zoey: Today we’re talking to the koala. As you see, this habitat has been made up to look like the forests of eastern Australia.

Zeek: Ooh! Koala bears! I like them. They’re so short and cuddly. It’s about time we talked to an animal that’s not all big and scary. Cute little koala bears, that’s more like it.

Zoey: I don’t think the koala is a bear.

Zeek: What do you mean? They look just like bears, with round faces and short, fuzzy ears. Of course they’re bears!

Zoey: It says here that koalas are marsupials. They’re related to kangaroos and wombats. It doesn’t say anything about them being bears.

Zeek: Maybe a marsupial is a particularly cute variety of bear?

Zoey: I don’t think so, but let’s ask. (Calling upwards.) Hello! Hello up there! Are you a koala?

(Zeek, confused, looks around until he notices that they’re standing beneath a tree, and in its branches a koala is resting.)

Karen: Zzzzzzzzz … zzzzzzz … zzzzz …..

Zoey: Hello?

Zeek: I think she’s asleep.

Zoey: You’re right. Darn. We’ll have to come back later.

Zeek: Wait, wait, give me a sec. (He rummages around until he finds a small, round pebble. He hefts the pebble in his paw and takes careful aim on the koala.)

Zoey: (Whispering) Zeek! You can’t hit her with a rock!

Zeek: What? Of course I’m not going to hit her with a rock. That would be very rude! I’m just going to lightly tap her with it. (He cocks his arm to throw.)

Zoey: Zeek, NO!

Karen: (Waking up) Wha … who … what’s going on down there? (She rubs her eyes sleepily.)

Zoey: Oh! Uh … hello! Are you a koala? We’re here to interview you!

Karen: Interview? Me? OK, that’s … that’s all right. I’m awake now. What do you want to know? (She reaches out, grabs a branch, pulls it forward, and begins munching on the leaves.)

Zoey: Oh, so you’re eating now? Is this a bad time? We could come back later.

Karen: (Talking with her mouth full) Later I’ll be sleeping.

Zoey: And after that?

Karen: Eating, followed by more sleep. Then I’ll eat.

Zeek: You don’t do anything but eat and sleep?

Karen: I’m awake maybe four, five hours a day. When I’m awake, I eat. When I’m not eating, I sleep. This is my life—I’m a koala.

Zeek: That is so cool! Can I be a koala? Is there an application form I can fill out?

Zoey: How is that possible? If I did nothing but eat and sleep, I’d weigh three hundred pounds!

Karen: (Brandishing a handful of leaves) See this? It’s eucalyptus. Absolutely delicious—at least I think so—but it’s not what you’d call “energy food.” So I rest a lot.

Zoey: Is it the same for boy koalas?

Karen: Ask him yourself. Joey! JOEY!

(A smaller koala—the spitting image of his mother—pokes his head around a nearby tree trunk.)

Joey: Yeah, Ma?

Karen: What are you doing? How long have you been awake? Why aren’t you eating?

Joey: I will, Ma. Don’t…don’t start with me, OK?

Karen: Why don’t you listen to your mother? How many times have I told you that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

Joey: (Muttering to himself) Every meal is breakfast when all you do is eat.

Karen: Start chewing!

Joey: I just…I want to do more than just eat and sleep, eat and sleep. There’s got to be more to life than this! I mean, have you ever wondered why we eat only this one variety of eucalyptus leaves? There are more than 600 types of eucalyptus, but we only eat this one kind?!

Karen: Because these leaves are the good ones, silly!

Joey: (Exasperated) How do you know that the others aren’t good if you’re never willing to try them?!

Karen: My, aren’t you a Grumpy Gus this morning? I guess someone woke up on the wrong side of the tree. Do you have a headache? I’ll bet you have a headache because you haven’t had your breakfast yet. Eat a few leaves, you’ll feel better.

Joey: (Defiantly grabbing a branch and shoving it in his mouth) Fine! Fine! I’m eating?! See? Are you happy now?

Zoey: I guess we have our answer.

Zeek: All but one. (Calling up to Karen) Hey, we have one more question!

Karen: Yeah?

Zeek: Bear or not a bear?

(Wordlessly Karen points to her pouch.)

Zeek: OK, so she’s not a bear. But you have to admit, those are very fuzzy ears.