Paulie the Pacific Walrus Is Plenty Tough

Our roving rodent reporter Zoey the zoo mouse and her partner photographer Zeek go tooth to tooth with a real tough guy. The Odobenus rosmarus divergens is no one to mess around with, especially where Zoey’s honor is concerned.

Zoey: Zeek, will you please come in the water?

Zeek: No way. It’s way too cold. I’m shivering!

Zoey: Okay, I’ll try and bring him up.

Zeek: Why is it so cold in here?

Zoey: Because, according to that display over there, the Pacific Walrus is native to shores and waters of Alaska and the Bering Straight. We want him to be comfortable!

Zeek: Remind me to bring a coat and scarf from now on. There’s only one of these, right?

Zoey: (Rolling her eyes) Yes, Zeek, just one.

Zeek: Good. I wouldn’t want to meet a school of these walruses. I’m a bit tired of schools of things surprising me.

Zoey: Just get your camera ready. And a group of walruses is called a herd, not a school. Just like cows.

Zeek: Great. We’re looking for an underwater cow.

Paulie: (Swimming up to the platform) Hey there, doll. Is this guy bothering ya?

Zoey: Oh, hello there. Are you Paulie?

Paulie: Yeah, and may I say you are quite a good lookin’ dame.

Zoey: (Smiling) Thank you. That’s sweet of you.

Paulie: Why don’t you lose this chump and come hang out with me? He doesn’t seem to know how to act in front of a lady.

Zoey: Who, Zeek? He’s my partner. Zeek, apologize to the nice walrus.

Zeek: Sure. I’m sorry for…uh…what did I do?

Paulie: (To Zeek) Like I was telling my friend Vinny just today, mind your P’s and Q’s in front of the ladies.

Zeek: And what happened to him?

Paulie: I ate him. But what else can you do with a little shrimp like him? (Laughs)

Zoey: (Trying to change the subject) Tell us about yourself, Paulie. You are a wonderful specimen.

Paulie: (Smiling) Well, I don’t like to brag, but—

Zoey: Your tusks are enormous. Does it take much to clean them?

Paulie: I try, but what can you do? I’ve got a bit of a sweet-tooth, so it’s a problem. I’ve got this pain in my left tusk that’s been bothering me.

Zeek: If your tooth is hurting you, they may have to extract it.

Paulie: What?!? (Grabbing Zeek and pulling him nose to nose) Nobody’s extracting nothin’!

Zeek: Hey, no problem, Paulie! I was just trying to help.

Paulie: Nobody touches my tusk. These tusks are part of my image. Girls like a guy with big tusks.

Zoey: Oh really?

Paulie: That’s what I’m sayin’. You gotta have bigger tusks than the next guy to get a good girl.

Zeek: Is that a fact?

Paulie: That’s what I’m sayin’! They help me a lot, too. How else do you think I haul myself onto the ice? With my tusks!

Zeek: Heh, you don’t say.

Paulie: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYIN’! I fight with them, I haul myself out places, and they look nice, too. A walrus is nothing without his tusks!

Zeek: Well, I’m sure they won’t have to pull it. Sorry I said anything.

Paulie: Hey, forget about it!

Zeek: Um, Paulie, could you put me down, please? Your mustache is really prickly.

Paulie: Oh, sure, kid. That’s my vibrissae.

Zoey: (Scribbling) Vibra…er…vibber...could you spell that?

Paulie: No, I can’t. Just call ‘em whiskers, everyone else does.

Zoey: Okay, whiskers. (Writing) W-H-I-S…

Paulie: Whenever I feel uncomfortable about somethin’, I just trust my whiskers. And if I get a funny feeling in them, I know something ain’t right.

Zoey: That’s very interesting.

Paulie: They help me find food, too. I just drag my whiskers across the bottom. They’ve got good feeling. When they touch food, I feel it.

Zoey: Like a bunch of little fingers?

Paulie: Yeah! Yeah! Like fingers!

Zeek: But if they were fingers, they’d have nerves and blood in them to feel things like that. That’s hard to believe.

Paulie: Believe it, buddy boy.

Zeek: No offense intended.

Paulie: Eh, forget about it!

Zoey: You must like your…uh…whiskers.

Paulie: You bet I do. Do you like my whiskers, toots?

Zoey: That’s Zoey. And yes, your whiskers are very handsome.

Paulie: Say, when do we eat around here? I’m starving! There ain’t enough food. I already blew up all the clams.

Zoey: Blew up?

Zeek: You don’t mean…

Paulie: Yeah. I blast a mouthful of water into their burrows and those things pop out like jackrabbits. And then it’s feeding time for Paulie!

Zeek: That’s a pretty neat trick.

Paulie: (Laughing) It sure is—ouch! Ow, my tooth is really hurting.

Zeek: You’re in luck! There’s a great dentist right here on staff. Let me put you in touch with him, and he’ll fix up that tusk in no time

Paulie: Hey, thanks. Say, mouse, you’re okay.

Zeek: Thanks, Paulie, you’re okay yourself.