A Hairy Meeting with Wally the Woolly Rhinoceros

Our roving rodent reporter Zoey and her partner Zeek continue exploring the World of Yesterday to conduct a pointed interview with a huge woolly rhinoceros. The first goal will be to find the giant Coelodonta antiquitatis in all the snow.

Zeek: Can’t we ever interview a nice animal that lives somewhere warm?

Zoey: Now Zeek, you know these animals of yesterday need their delicate environment…it’s amazing that we get to interview them at all!

Zeek: Yeah, but how are we even going to find our interviewee here? The snow is almost over my head!

Zoey:  I’m sure we can find him somewhere….

(A loud rumbling noise is heard.)

Zeek: What was that? Did you hear…Ow!

(Zeek is lifted and tossed into the air by a large, grey horn. Slowly the rest of the woolly rhinoceros emerges from the snow: he is a great beast covered in a thick coat of shaggy grey hair. He is over 10 feet long, and the horn that tossed Zeek is almost three feet in length.)

Zeek: Hey there! Watch where you point that thing!

(The rhinoceros grumbles.)

Wally: Chill out, little mouse, “that thing” is my lovely horn, and I am watching where I point it. It would be hard not to, with it being in the middle of my forehead.

Zeek: Oh, um, yes. Well, be careful!

Zoey: Zeek, be polite. This must be the animal we are here to interview, the woolly rhinoceros.

Wally: Wow, you came all this way just to meet me? Neat. I’m Wally, nice to meet you.

Zoey: Likewise.

Wally: Sorry to have bumped into you. I was using my horn to forage in the snow and look for food.

(Wally looks at Zeek.)

Wally: You aren’t a food, are you?

(Zeek jumps.)

Zeek: I most certainly am not!

Wally: Well, don’t get all excited. I suppose you can’t be a food. I only eat the tastiest of plants, and they usually aren’t as…vocal as you. The best food is usually deep under the snow, and I’m always looking for a good bite to eat.

Zeek: Well, you must eat quite a bit, you are huge!

Zoey: (Whispers) Zeek! He might be sensitive about his weight!

(Wally laughs.)

Wally: It’s OK, I don’t mind. I need every pound. The extra fat helps keep me warm through the long, cold winters. There’s nothing better than chilling out, enjoying a snack, and resting in a nice, warm pile with all my best buds. If I come across a pile of tasty snacks, I just can’t resist. The whole herd puts on extra weight whenever we can.

Zeek: You travel in herds?

Wally: Oh yes, I like to hang with my friends and forage for food in groups. (He looks around.) Still, it’s been some time since I saw my friends. I hope I haven’t lost them in all this snow.

Zoey: Well, this is the World of Yesterday. As a species, the woolly rhinoceros went extinct over 15,000 years ago!

Zeek: Is that all?

Zoey: Yeah, that’s relatively recent for animals in the World of Yesterday. Why, they lived well past the last Ice Age!

Wally: We’re a pretty hearty bunch. I’m sure the other guys just got the munchies and went out for a snack. I don’t see them around, but it’s hard to keep track of everyone through all this hair.

Zoey: You surely do have a lot of hair. When was the last time you saw a barber?

Wally: See a barber? And cut these lovely locks? I think not. Even my horns are made out of hair, and I need then to help me find food.

Zeek: Those sharp, pointy horns are made out of hair? You must use a bunch of styling gel on that thing.

Wally: Oh no, I don’t use any styling products, that’s too much work. My horns don’t need gel, they are composed of matted hair pressed together. That’s why I like my long hair.

Zeek: Not even just a trim? I could introduce you to my barber if you like. Don’t you just love my stylish, well-trimmed coat?

Wally: Well, I’m sure you look very nice, but all my hair helps keep me warm in this cold weather. What’s better, being stylish or being warm?

Zoey: He has a point, Zeek.

Zeek: (Rubs his behind) Don’t remind me. Still, looking good is important!

Wally: You little guys, you need to relax, mellow out. Stop being so jumpy. You can join me for a pleasant lunch if you like, just as soon as I find some food….

(Wally digs his horn back in the snow.)

Zeek: Eek! Um, it was a pleasure meeting you, but we really must be running now.

Zoey: Yeah, before you get poked again.

Zeek: Can we go somewhere warm now?