The Sincerely Un-Slothful Sam the Giant Ground Sloth

Roving rodent reporter Zoey and her faithful photographer Zeek marvel at the gargantuan size of the Giant Ground Sloth, but they will not leave before they’ve heard why this Megatherium americanum is anything but slothful.

Zeek:: I was going to ask what animal we're going to interview today, Zoey, but maybe I don't want to know.

Zoey: Why's that?

Zeek: Since we’ve been conducting these interviews, I’ve learned that short-faced bears aren’t short at all. In fact, they’re very tall. Sicilian dwarf elephants, meanwhile, are much smaller than you’d ever imagine an elephant could be. Small is big and big is small. Up is down! Wrong is right! I'm all mixed up!

Zoey: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. And...well...today's interview subject might not be the sort of thing you’re looking for.

Zeek: Oh, no! Who is it?

Zoey: It's the giant...

(Zeek groans.)

Zoey: ...ground...

(Zeek groans louder.)

Zoey: ...sloth.

Zeek: (Makes a strangling sound.) Sloths...on the ground. (Panting) Giant...giant sloths…roaming the Earth! ...Make it stop….

Zoey: Oh, come on, it's not that bad. How scary can a giant ground sloth be?

Zeek: Very scary, Zoey. Very scary indeed.

Sam: I’m not really scary—unless, of course, you cross me.

(Zeek and Zoey both leap backwards in surprise. The enormous brown object they are standing next to shifts, moves, and reveals itself to be none other than Sam the giant ground sloth.)

Zeek: Holy cats! You're as big as an elephant! And I don’t mean one of those miniature elephants, either—you’re as big as one of the big ones!

Sam: Thank you, Captain Obvious. I am a "giant" ground sloth, after all. I wouldn't be much of a giant if I was, you know, small.

Zeek: But...but....

Sam: But what?

Zeek: (Sputtering) Sloths were never meant to be so large!

Zoey: Don't be silly, Zeek. (To Sam) I'm sorry; you'll have to excuse my partner. He's been under a lot of strain lately.

Sam: (Sounding a little dubious) Well, OK. What did you want to talk about?

Zoey: For starters, there’s the matter of your size. Which is, in a word, enormous.

Sam: Gargantuan, you might say.

Zoey: Indeed I might. Our readers have probably seen or read about sloths, but they live in trees and are....

Sam: An embarrassment.

Zoey: Excuse me?

Sam: They are an embarrassment. They sleep 18 hours a day, they barely move even when they are awake, and they almost never come down from their trees. People look at them and reach the understandable conclusion that all sloths are lazy and slow. Did you know that sloth is one of the seven deadly sins?

Zoey: Really?

Sam: Yes! Yes it is! My entire species is named after a deadly sin, and all because of those worthless descendants of mine! But back in my day, things were different. We were bigger back then, and a whole lot tougher. We didn't hide up in the branches of a tree, we went wherever we wanted! After all, who was going to stop us—the saber-toothed cat? As if! Don't make me laugh!

Zeek: (Weakly) He laughs at saber-toothed cats. Of course he does.

Sam: And if someone tried to get in my way? I’d just rear back on my tail, so I was standing on my rear legs, and show them my claws!

(Rearing back, he shows off the long, thick, curving claws on his paws. Zeek and Zoey whistle in admiration.)

Zoey: Wow! Those are impressive.

Sam: You bet they are! All I'd have to do is wave my claws around, and anyone stupid or careless enough to get in my way would soon be a small dot on the horizon. You wouldn't call that "slothful," now would you?

Zoey: I certainly would not!

Sam: In my day, sloths were creatures to be reckoned with. You saw a sloth, you gave him some respect! But kids today? Pfftt. (He shakes his head dismissively.)

Zeek: Though, in their defense, modern tree sloths are quite easy to get along with. Relaxed. Easy-going. I’m really starting to warm to them.

Zoey: Thank you, Sam; you’ve given new meaning to the word “sloth.”

Sam: Well, thank you. I’m just doing my part to rehabilitate the family name. But if you see any of my descendants, can you give them a message for me?

Zoey: Sure. What is it?

Sam: Tell them to hurry up!