Mistaken Identity Makes Velociraptor Mad

Intrepid rodent reporter Zoey and her fearless photographer Zeek travel back to the Late Cretaceous in search of the dreaded Velociraptor, but find this particular Velociraptor mongoliensis to be a little less than they imagined.

Zoey: Would you please try to hurry, Zeek? We're going to be late!

Zeek: I'm (oof) trying, Zoey...it's not easy (oof) walking in this thing.

Zoey: I'm having a hard time feeling sympathetic right now. Who told you to dress up in armor, anyway? And where did you find a mouse-sized suit of armor in the first place?

Zeek: I have my sources. And there's no way I'm going to interview a monster without some personal protection.

Zoey: Zeek! That's rude! We're not interviewing a monster, we're interviewing a velociraptor.

Zeek: Same difference! I saw that movie, the one with the dinosaurs and the kids trapped in a prehistoric zoo. The velociraptors were the worst dinosaur of them all! And here we are, walking right up to one! Well, I'm nobody's fool; that's why I'm clad head to tail in thick metal plates. Let's just see a velociraptor try to snack on me!

Zoey: Well, I hope the velociraptor is a little more friendly to you than you're being to him. He should be right around here. Since you're the big expert on dinosaurs, can you tell me what we should be looking for?

Zeek: He's huge! And frightening. "Frighteningly huge" is how I'd describe him.

Zoey: Thanks, that's a big help.

(Vinny the Velociraptor appears through the foliage.)

Vinny: Here I am! Don't be scared. I won't eat you.

Zeek: Sorry, we're too busy to talk with you. We're here to see a velociraptor.

Vinny: That's me!

Zeek: (Looks Vinny up and down, and finds something lacking). Heh. That's a good one. Now run along, before a real velociraptor shows up and teaches you some manners.

Vinny: Oh boy, here we go again.

Zoey: Zeek, I think maybe....

Zeek: Let me handle this, Zoey. (To Vinny) Get lost, pal. A really big, scary velociraptor is headed this way, and you're not going to want to be anywhere near this place when he arrives.

Vinny: I'm tellin' you, pal, I'm a velociraptor.

Zeek: And I'm telling you you're not!

Vinny: Oh yeah? How are you so sure?

Zeek: Just look at you! I mean, you've got feathers, for one thing. You look like a bird with a skin condition! And you're only about three feet tall!

Vinny: I stretch six feet from nose to tail!

Zeek: That doesn't count when your tail is stretched out lengthwise like that. Look, buddy, I don't know what game you're playing, but I've seen the movies! I know what velociraptors look like, and you don't look anything like that!

Vinny: You're thinking of a Deinonychus.

Zeek: A Deinowhosits?

Vinny: A Deinonychus. He's a relation of mine: big guy, featured in movies a few years back. And now everyone has the two of us confused, because some people in Hollywood thought that true velociraptors were too small to be scary. That really cheeses me off—I'm plenty scary! You should see me on Halloween!

(Zeek lets out a snort and slowly begins unlatching and removing his armor.)

Zeek: (Muttering) Yeah, right. I'm really scared. Oooo!

Zoey: (Jumping in) So anyway, Vinny, we don't want to keep you long....

Zeek: That's right. We'll keep this "short."

Vinny: Short? Was that a joke? Do you find me amusing? Am I a clown to you?

Zoey: (Laughing nervously) No, no, my partner didn't mean anything by that. Did you, Zeek?

Zeek: No, I meant nothing by that. I meant nothing "a' tall."

Vinny: You're really pushing me, buddy!

Zoey: So tell us about yourself, Vinny. And you don't need to talk about the Deinonychus unless you want to.

Vinny: Me? I'm a ruthless predator! The other dinosaurs give me a wide berth, because they know that where I go, trouble can't be far behind! That's why I should have been the one in the movie. They would have sold a lot more tickets if there had been some real velociraptors up there on the screen.

Zoey: So, do you like....

Vinny: But nooooo. They sign my no-good cousin, and now everyone's all, "Look at me, I'm the big, bad Deinonychus! I'm so scary!" Well, you don't know fear, sweetheart, until you've stared into the cold, dead eyes of a velociraptor!

Zoey: That's nice. But really....

Vinny: I think it's maybe the feathers. People today, they can't respect a guy who wears feathers. Maybe if I could fly, I'd get some props, but no one in my family has flown in I don't know how long. Since way back.

Zoey: I think....

Vinny: Don't even think of saying that the feathers make me look pretty! 'Cause Vinny ain't a pretty boy! He's 100% male, feathers and all!

Zoey: I wasn't....

Vinny: (Glaring at Zeek) But you, pal o' mine, I ain't done with you yet. What did you say your name was?

Zeek: My friends call me Zeek. You can call me...Mr. Zeek.

Vinny: Well, let me paint you a picture, Zeek. Let's say you're out in the primordial forest, Late Cretaceous Period. That's 99 million to 65 million years ago, if you're counting. Anyways, let's say you're out there, minding your own business, and you hear a rustling out in the brush. What do you do?

Zeek: I....

Vinny: That's right, you run. But it doesn't do you no good, ‘cause velociraptors are built for speed; we can run nearly 25 miles an hour. In no time at all I'd catch up to you. And then I'd have a couple choices. I might just bite you; I've got a mouth full of needle-sharp teeth, and they bite things real good. But if I feel like giving you the full treatment, I'd introduce you to my little friends: those two sickle-shaped claws on my hind feet that are perfect for making a quick, killing slash at your throat or vital organs. It wouldn't be a long fight, Zeek. It wouldn't take long at all. So tell me, how scary do I look to you now?

Zeek: (Swallows nervously) Very scary, Mr. Velociraptor, sir. Very, very scary.