A Short Talk With a Short-Faced Bear

It’s a tall order as our roving reporter Zoey and her faithful photographer Zeek talk with an Arctodus Simus named Bradley and find out that this short-faced bear is anything but short.

Zoey: So who are we interviewing today, Zeek?

Zeek: Looks like we’re on our way to meet Bradley, the short-faced bear.

Zoey: That sounds like fun.

Zeek: Yeah, it’ll be nice to finally talk with someone closer to our own size. It seems like we’re always interviewing creatures that block out the sun every time they yawn. Remember the Siberian Elk?

Zoey: Yeah, that was a fun interview.

Zeek: For you, maybe—you didn’t spend half the interview inside his mouth, taking pictures of his teeth. This should be a nice change of pace.

Zoey: But Zeek, Bradley’s a bear, and bears are huge! Even the smallest bear cub could crush us beneath its paws.

Zeek: (Sighs) Oh Zoey, aren’t you paying attention? This is a short-faced bear!

Zoey: So?

Zeek: So what makes you think you’d find a short face on a long bear’s body? Come on, you’ve got to sort this stuff out intellectually. (He points at his head.) If you had a brain as powerful as mine, maybe you would—Holy Momma!

(Bradley has come into view and his massive body towers over Zoey and Zeek. He yawns and blocks out the sun.)

Bradley: Hello? Hello?

Zoey: Bradley! Hey, down here!

Bradley: Oops! Sorry, little guys, guess I didn’t see you down there.

Zoey: That’s OK, I suppose you don’t get many visitors our size around here.

Bradley: You can say that again. Hey, what’s up with your partner? (He points at Zeek, who’s standing eyes wide, mouth hanging open.)

Zoey: Don’t mind him; his powerful brain is just a little overwhelmed. (She nudges Zeek.)

Zeek: Oh yeah, sorry, I guess I just didn’t think you’d be so, you know, huge, Mr. um, Short-Faced Bear?

Bradley: (Laughs) Don’t worry about it, that happens all the time.

Zoey: Just how big are you, Bradley?

Bradley: On all fours I’m about 6 feet tall. When standing on my hind legs, however, I can reach as high as 11 feet.

Zoey: Wow, that’s huge!

Bradley: Well, I was the largest land predator in North America during the last Ice Age.

Zoey: So why the name “Short-faced Bear?”

Bradley: That’s because of the way my skull is shaped. (He points at his face.) It actually looks more like a lion’s head than a bear’s. See? (He leans over and lays his snout down next to Zoey and Zeek.)

Zeek: Ah! Keep those chompers away from me! (He runs and hides behind Zoey.)

Bradley: What’s the matter, little guy?

Zoey: Don’t mind him, he’s just having elk flashbacks.

Bradley: Mmmmm…elk. Anyway, the upside is that my short snout and powerful jaws make it easier to hunt prey, and, well, I’ve been told I have a big appetite.

Zoey: What types of foods do you like to eat, Bradley?

Bradley: Basically, if it’s got a pulse, I’ll eat it.

Zoey: So you’re a meat eater?

Bradley: Definitely. I like to keep my options open. I’m into lots of stuff: horses, antelopes, wolves. When you need to consume 35 pounds of meat a day just to get by, you really can’t afford to be picky. Besides, you need a lot of protein to maintain a physique as impressive as mine! (He flexes his muscles.)

Zoey: What’s it like being so big and tall?

Bradley: It’s got its pluses and its minuses. If the other animals are choosing sides for basketball, it’s a sure thing that I’ll be picked first. And I’ve noticed that, if anyone ever tries to cut in front of me in line, I just need to give them the famous short-faced bear growl and they go right to the back of the line. On the other hand, people do tend to grumble whenever I walk into a movie theater. I think they’re afraid I’m going to sit down in front of them. Or eat them.

Zeek: Right, I can see where they’re coming from.

Bradley: Speaking of which, I’m sorry to cut it short, guys, but it’s been twenty minutes since my last meal and I’m starving! Why, I could eat a horse! Make that two horses. Maybe even three; I did have a light lunch.

Zeek: We’d better go, Zoey, before he starts eating. Something tells me that we don’t want to see those jaws at work.

Zoey: True, but that would be an excellent chance for you to get close-ups of his teeth.

Zeek: Eeep!